Decisions

(Written Februrary 3, 2010)

For about five days, I seriously considered transferring.

This startling thought came to me suddenly, almost as a shock.

"I can't go back to Goucher."

This instantly set of a million internal battles that I was not physically or mentally able to fight , and my body told me that quite quickly; about 36 hours later, actually, when I started getting sick. And when I get sick, I know that I'm doing something wrong. And so I worried for a few more days and finally decided that transferring was not the right thing to do. For two days, I was at peace, albeit a bittersweet peace. I had prepared myself for enjoying three-and-a-half more months in Rome then come home. I pacified the part of me screaming, "YOU CAN'T LEAVE ITALY!" by saying that I would return in the summer to work for two months. So, with all my parts in order and all my decisions made, I started to relax and enjoy the little moments that make a foreign country a foreign country; the way the garbage cans are shaped, the quite odd hours when they pick up the trash, the way the sun hits the pine trees in the afternoon; it's the little things that make a place feel like home for you.

And then I got a sign.

I don't know if you guys believe in signs, but if you don't, you will after you hear this. I tried to never underestimate the power of signs, but I had never had one so obviously pointed out to me.

I had told five people that I was thinking about transferring, my parents, Courtney, Allie, and my current roommate Claire. After I decided that I wasn't transferring, I only told Allie and Claire.

Two days after my decision to return to Goucher, I walk into the Student Life office at AUR to speak to my friend Stefano. Stefano is one of the most wonderful people I have ever met. He is kind and generous, (ITALIAN! ROMAN!), knowledgeable, and cares deeply for the people he interacts with. He and I have created a wonderful bond in the time that I've been here, even if I do have to constantly remind him to stop speaking in English and let me practice my Italian.

I walk into Stefano's office to ask him a question that at this point I don't even remember. But it doesn't matter, because I ask my question but Stefano doesn't answer it. He says:

"You should transfer to AUR."

And that's when I knew.

I instantly said no. I said that I had thought about it (and thought to myself 'how in the world did he know to ask this question?') and decided that I needed to go home. Stefano countered:

"When you find someone who loves the language and the culture as much as you do, you want them to stay and get to know it. It's my culture, and I want people who want to be here, to be here. I think this is your place. I think that you'll never get an opportunity like this again. And while it's your decision, ultimately, I think this is the right place for you."

I said I would think about it.

Kathy then joins into the picture. Kathy is the other person who has had a great impact on my life at AUR. As housing coordinator, she deals with all the students who go through AUR housing, but knows the rest of them. A wonderful, kind woman, she has often helped me with things that have absolutely nothing to do with what her job description says, like boy problems or finding a good place to get my hair cut (which I found and was excellent). I love getting to talk to Kathy because somehow I just feel better after talking to her, even if it's talking about the weather.

Kathy walks into Stefano's office. They speak about business stuff when I find the opportunity to say, "Hey Kathy, guess what Stefano is trying to get me to do."

"Stefano is trying to get you to transfer."

In my mind I'm thinking, how in the world does everyone know this but me?

I tell them that I've thought about it for five days and I decided it's not right. Immediately they tell me, think longer. It's a bigger decision than one you can make in five days. So I think. I start thinking a lot. Who knew people could think this much?

I didn't get sick this time because I figured out my mistake from last time. The first time, I thought that I needed to run away from something, namely Goucher, a place I felt was too small and a place where I would have a hard time connecting with the people I was interested in, like Italians. So I wanted to run from, but after my conversation with Stefano, I decided that I wasn't running 'from' something, I was running 'to' something. I was running to the opportunities that were allowed to me by Rome; opportunities that I literally will not be able to have anywhere else in the world. And that's everyone's dream, right? To live abroad? At least at this moment, it has become mine. And that's the dream that I have decided to live.

As of Fall 2010, I will be a transfer student to the American University of Rome. I will be graduating in May 2011 from the American University of Rome. I feel that this is the best possible decision I could have ever made for myself. If I go home, I will forget my Italian. Even today, I have forgotten three new words I learned while having a conversation with my friend Aldo, and I live here now. What's going to happen when I can't have conversations in Italian? What's going to happen when I am not constantly surrounded by this language?

In any case, these are not questions that I want to answer, so I am staying. I am staying to learn more and I am staying to push myself beyond the limits of what I think I can do. The anticipation of going abroad last fall was disconcerting, but only until I stepped off the plane. It was the anticipation of how different things were going to be. Honestly, things are very different, but the difference is what makes this place beautiful. And I'm still a bit disconcerted. Part of me, the part that thinks all my decisions are absolutely mad is going "What. Are. You. Doing." But I know that this is the right thing. I know that Italy is my place, and I know that I will learn more here in the next year and half than I could learn in four at Goucher. While Goucher was the best option for me at the time when I went to college, I know that it is no longer the best choice, and I know that staying here is.

Sometimes, just to make sure I'm making the right decision, I go to Piazza Garibaldi on top of the Janiculum hill where I live and I look out over the city and I gaze at the mountains beyond. When I watch the sun set and the lights of Rome begin to turn on in the purple darkness, I know I am exactly where I need to be.